Wise Aging
Yom Kippur 5784/2023
This summer my family and I traveled to France. I was having a great time until I developed a headache that would not go away. When I found myself squinting in front of the Mona Lisa - she’s small but not THAT small - I realized I had a problem. $32 and an appointment with a French ophthalmologist later - they handed me “these” (hold up reading glasses).
That night at dinner I put them on to read the menu and one of my children who-shall-not-be-named said, “Boy mom, are you getting old!” I took the glasses off and didn’t wear them again. What they represented felt like a bigger headache than the one I’d already had.
I’m aging right before my eyes. I’m very much aware that in less than ten years I will have lived longer than my mom who died at the age of 54. I only wish I had the opportunity to accompany her and care for her now. Her growing old would have been the greatest of blessings.
Jewish tradition also regards old age as a profound blessing; its primary teaching is that older people should be valued and respected.
If you travel by bus in Jerusalem, you’ll see signs with a verse from the Talmud that says,1
“מִפְּנֵ֤י שֵׂיבָה֙ תָּק֔וּם'” Mipnei seiva takum,
Before the white head you should rise.” In other words, you kids need to get up and give up your seats.
Did you know that until you are 40, it’s actually forbidden to study Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism)?
Maimonides explains: “... it’s not proper for a person to study these texts unless he has filled his belly with bread and meat.”2 Meaning - you can’t learn the mystical secrets of Torah without the benefit of life experience.
Judaism cherishes the older generation.
But for all of these positive messages, as we age we often feel increasingly unseen, unappreciated and overlooked. And no one really wants to talk about how ageist our society is; and how impossible it feels to even begin to change it.
Instead we ruminate about when or if we will ever be able to retire.
We lament the changes in our physical appearance - in particular society judges women so harshly.
When we give up the car keys, we mourn our loss of independence even though we know we’re doing the right thing.
We don’t ever want to be a burden that other people will have to carry.
Those of us on the other side, the ones who love and take care of aging parents and friends, our lives are also significantly impacted:
Sometimes we’re not sure how to talk to the older people in our lives. Are we helping? Are we interfering? Are we doing either?
We don't always visit as often as we should because it’s hard to watch the people we love growing older.
We hate that sometimes they feel down or their bodies don’t work the way they used to.
And our hearts hurt because the medical establishment doesn't always see our aging parent or friend for the funny, thoughtful and loving person they are.
Why is it so easy for [people] to forget,” Rabbi Shai Held writes, “that the older generation are individual human beings, each with a distinctive face and voice, each with hopes and dreams...”3
We are not complete and our community is not complete, without the older people in our lives. We need them and they need us: so why is it so difficult for us to talk about growing older?
On this Yom Kippur morning - instead of turning away from the subject nobody wants to talk about - I challenge us to run towards this beautiful and sometimes harrowing journey in our lives.
Maybe if we talk about aging more deliberately, and do it with humor and honesty and intention. We can become a community that lifts up the mental well-being, physical health and life experience of the older people in our lives.
And if we do, we will live by the Jewish value that all of us at every age and stage are created b’tzelem elohim - in the image of God.
Even if we need reading glasses to read the menu.
We can start by acknowledging the ways in which older people contribute to our community and enrich our lives. Jewish tradition teaches, “Learning from our elders is like drinking good aged wine.”4
Adding to this, Dr. William Thomas explains, “the reason Adam and Eve had so many problems in the Garden of Eden was because there was no older generation to guide them.”5
And boy did Adam and Eve need guidance. Luckily we are not them - today we have many experienced and thoughtful role models.
Social scientists call them “enthusiasts.” I call them wise agers. Our tradition calls them chachamim חכמים or “wise ones.”6
חכמים are the very special people in our lives who teach us how to age with dignity, grace and agency. They know all too well that getting older is hard.
But nevertheless wise agers are exceptionally grateful for their lives. They are gutsy, resilient and they have a growth mindset. They’ll tell you that how they age is often dependent on luck and genetics, but outlook and attitude are just as important.
Despite all of the odds, חכמים make the conscious choice to be enthusiastic about growing old. And then they make that choice over and over again.
They believe that it is possible, as the book of Ecclesiastes explains, “for the end to be better than the beginning.”7
Enthusiasts don’t become this way by accident. They each have unique life stories and experiences that have contributed to their resilience. However, there are certain common threads that connect them all.
I’ve made a list - but really it’s your list - because over the years this is what our own חכמים have taught ME about wise aging:
First - חכמים nurture authentic and meaningful relationships with their loved ones.
As a result they make a point of engaging in honest conversation with their family about money, aging in place, and living arrangements long before what social scientists call “old-old” age. Wise agers use legal and ethical advanced planning tools to share their emotional and spiritual needs.
If you haven’t thought about doing this before you may want to try out one of these planners; personally I recommend 5 Wishes - the organization calls itself, “a living will with heart and soul.”8 A few of you have recommended it to me and give it rave reviews.
חכמים have friends of all ages.
If you asked my grandmother, Pearl - she is 103 - about her secret to aging, she’d say, “my friends are all younger than me. They teach me new perspectives about the world - ones I know nothing about. And I hope in turn I can impart just a little bit of my life experience and wisdom.”
If you don’t have a friend who is over the age of 85, go out and make one. I promise both of you will be all the better for it.
חכמים are proud of their age and all they have achieved.
In an essay in the Washington Post, Elaine Soloway shares, “I shout [about how old I am] from the rooftops…I do this because it’s a disservice to us older folks if we hide it. So [I take] any opportunity I get to show off my tattoos…I say, ‘I got this latest for my 80th birthday!’ Then I add: ‘That was three years ago.”9
The most vibrant and active חכמים are life-long learners.
Recently I visited a temple member. On her coffee table was the 1,000 page book, “Oppenheimer.”10 She told me - “it’s a topic I know nothing about - and it’s time I learn - maybe I won’t be around to finish it - but really - who cares? That’s not the point.” Phyllis where are you? Phyllis is my friend and by now you must be half-way through Oppenheimer. Can I tell them how old you are? Phyllis is 96.
In this spirit of lifelong learning, Pirkei Avot - the first book of the Mishna - instructs us regarding Torah: “Consider her and consider her again, from all different angles…”Allow your study of Torah to grow with you as you age…There is no better thing that you can do.”11
Contrary to what we might think, our ability to change and learn new things doesn’t diminish with age. If anything, time and distance can bring us new perspectives.
And that’s exactly why חכמים are able to accept the past and move forward.
An older friend of mine shared this story with me: “A few years ago, I had a burn ceremony. I had been ruminating too much about the past. So I took some small scraps of paper and on each of them wrote down my regrets.
My family and I lit a fire out on the deck and I put all of the pieces in and those regrets turned to ash.”
Herman Hesse once wrote, “Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is the letting go.”12
My older friend’s life hasn’t been simple. The bravery required to face her past and, even more significantly, to let it go can be an inspiration for all of us.
On Yom Kippur we may not have a burn ceremony but we come here for the same reasons. All of us have regrets. Those moments in our lives that continue to cause us pain - maybe we have hurt others or they have hurt us.
Yet, as we journey through life, and our past transforms into exactly that—our past—we can persist in moving forward. And we shouldn’t wait until we are very old to reevaluate our lives and to find ourselves once again.
The rabbis’ instruct, “repent one day before your death.” This undescores the fact that the work of repentence - or teshuva in Hebrew - must happen every day.
One of the wisest of wise agers, Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel adds, that true teshuva is “when we allow ourselves the space to turn back and maybe with new insight and a new spirit we can chart a new course of action. The past does not determine the future. We have the choice to change.”13
As our great חכמים have taught me: whether our path to teshuva begins as we watch our breadcrumbs drift away during tashlich, or in those humble, quiet moments when we whisper, 'I'm sorry,” and grant ourselves the precious gift of forgiveness, we must always remember: it’s never too soon, and it’s also never too late.
Rabbi Laura Geller adds, “The message of the High Holidays is that much of your book of life is written every day.”14
Not long after my mom died, I met a very special temple member in her late 90ties. She gave me a tablecloth she had brought with her to the US when she escaped the Nazis. It had belonged to her mother.
And as I held it in my lap, she shared her story: how she had come to this country with so little and despite hard times she was determined to hope, to give, to celebrate and ultimately to love again. This (hold it up) tablecloth is the physical manifestation of the life lessons she taught me.
When she gave it to me I was a young woman struggling with my own loss, and because of her I will never forget that it is possible to rebuild our lives again and again.
This is what חכמים, our wise ones can teach us about legacy: it is their conviction that life is and has been worthwhile.
Ultimately what my older friends have taught me is that wise aging is about wise living. It’s when we can say: I stood up for my values. I passed down my story. I was a good friend. I forgave, and I gave, I accepted and I celebrated. I loved.15,16
Wait! I think I’d rather let them tell you themselves.. Meet some of my greatest friends and teachers…17,18,19 (Legacy Video)
Endnotes
1 Kiddushin 32b
2 Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Yesodei ha-Torah 4:13.
3 The Atlantic: “The Staggering, Heartless Cruelty toward the Elderly,” March 2020.
4 Pirke Avot 4:20
6 The term “enthusiast” can be found multiple times and in multiple places in research and literature about the aging process. Some define it differently but the term generally refers to people over the age of 85.
7 Ecclesiastes 7:8
9 Elaine Soloway, Washington Post, “Please do not put a party hat on my head — and other indignities of old age,” December 2021.
10 American Prometheus, Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin, 2005.
11 Pirkei Avot 5:22
12 Attributed to Herman Hesse but according to ChatGPT that may not be the case. If so, it is unattributed and the origin is unclear.
13 Heschel, “Religion and Race” in The Insecurity of Freedom, p.96.
14 Rabbi Laura Geller, Meditation in Mishkan HaNefesh; A High Holiday Machzor.
15 Thank you to my remarkable writing coach, Michele Lowe. None of this could be possible without your support and guidance!
16 Thank you to my friend and Temple Shalom member Julie Youdowvin - I will never forget our unexpected and beautiful Shabbat afternoon conversation about wise living.
17 Thank you to the very special חכמים who agreed to be interviewed as I researched and planned this sermon. Many of them are also the stars of the legacy video: Pearl Berry, Charles Blauer, Fred Cohen, Phyllis Freed, David Harris, Richard Morrison, Bonnie Ulin. You have enriched my life and I will be forever grateful.
18 Thank you to my super-talented son, Micah who without hesitation agreed to create/edit the legacy video. It was hours of planning, learning, stretching, and dedication. I can’t believe you are only 13 (and at the same time I can’t believe you are actually 13).
19 Thank you to film-maker, Jen Kaplan - the legacy video would never have happened without you - your time, creativity, and mentoring made all the difference.
Thu, May 9 2024
1 Iyar 5784
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